Flammable Bubbles

So, anyone who reads this blog is going to look at the title, think WTF, and demand explanation. Here it is.

To put it simply, I spent some time today setting bubbles on fire. It was very soothing, actually. (I'm beginning to think I have a problem here... XP)

We filled the bubbles with methane gas, then lit them on fire! It was probably the most fun I've ever had in a science class.

But anyway. Swim meet tomorrow, and I don't even know against who. Sad, isn't it?

A Little Realization...

Well, it's been a while- I'm not going to go into detail of things that have happened, but here's a bulleted list:

• Broke up
• Got sick
• Performed the entire halftime show for the first and only time
• Got sick again

Everything else just stopped mattering.

Anyway. The holiday showoff is coming up!!! (It's in december, I think... That's soon for me.)

I've decided to play a little piece on the piano and sing. I found the sheet music for the song I want today... The only problem?

1. I've never played piano before.

2. I CAN'T READ THIS STUFF!!!

FML.

Stop It!

What the hell?!

Why?! To the nth bloody power.

Stop confusing me like this. Make up your mind!

Are you with me or aren't you?!

Ugh, why do I date the world's most confusing people?

It's like fate suddenly decided that my life wasn't complicated enough and added your bad attitude to the list.

Bah.

I don't know if I care any more.

I'm confronting you tomorrow.

Over a week late.

How pathetic am I?

I've spent two hours straight wondering and thinking about you.

What do you think of that?

When did I get so weak, eh?

Does it matter?

You'd better be ready dear, 'cause I'm not holding back tomorrow.

I hope you're ready for interrogation.

Random Survey

Everybody has a main best friend, who's yours?
My Journal

What are you listening to now?

Shadow Gallery: Christmas Day

What are your plans for tomorrow?
I try not to plan ahead.

In the past week, have you lost a friend?
Probably...

Yelled at someone?
Does my reflection count?

What did you do today?
School, then a swim meet.

Do you like flowers?
Yeah.

Did you enjoy your day yesterday?
No.

Hate is a strong word, who do you hate?
"Him." And no, I don't mean God.

Do you drink a lot of water?
Yes

Who did you last lay in a bed/​couch/​recliner with?
erm... Not answering.

Where did you get your last bruise/scratch from?
Probably that damnable pool...

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it was just a few hours ago.

What kind of mood are you in today?
Dunno, it's changing by the minute.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
...English... I think?

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Probably midnight- sleep didn't want to come to me.

Do you miss anyone?
...yes.

Where did you get the top you're wearing?
Umm... K-Penn gave it to me?

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you?
Story of my life.

What are you craving right now?
Sleep.

Do you want kids anytime soon?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Are you hiding something from someone close to you?
It's possible.

Is there something you want to tell someone but can't?
Always.

Someone says to you now, "lets go to a party and get trashed!" you say?
"Fuck you, let me sleep."

Will you sleep alone tonight?
Always do.

Any plans for next weekend?
I don't have plans for tomorrow, let alone next weekend.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
Yeah, and it's sitting on the couch.

What woke you up today?
The birds. They're obnoxious.

Anything good happening tomorrow?
Psh, yeah right.

Would you buy $1000 shoes if they were the "perfect" pair for you?
FUCK NO! $1000 dollars for SHOES?! I cringe when I spend more than $20!

Are you more laidback or perfectionist?
Usually laid back, unless I'm having a break down.

Do you find it disgusting when a boy bends over or jumps and the top of his underwear can be seen?
Meh, what the hell am I going to do about it?

When's the last time you deliberately skipped a class?
I don't skip. The punishment I would receive from my mother if she ever found out (and you know she would) is way too much to risk.

Last time you saw snow?
Last March... ish?

Are you excited for next year?
No.

What is worse, physical or emotional pain?
Emotional. Half the time, that's what leads to the physical pain.

Can you play pool?
Not very well.

Would you take someone back if they cheated on you?
Depends on the person.

Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around?
YES!

Are you missing anyone/​​​something?​​​
*sigh* Yeah...


Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
I don't know...

How fast does your mood change?
Depends on the day.

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Nah.

How many children do you want?
I don't.

Are you a jealous person?
I try not to be...

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Aren't we all?

Do you like hugs?
Of course.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends on the situation and person.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
Hell yes.

Are you wasting your time on someone?
Probably.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
Yes.

Do you get along with girls?
Mhm.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
No, but I've come damn close.

Have you ever licked someones forehead or cheek?
...yeah.

Any up coming events you're excited about?

No.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
No.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
Many.

Have you ever dyed your hair?
lol... it's dyed now...

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?

Yup!

God dammit.

Well, that plan worked wonderfully. (Insert sarcasm here)

Honestly, I don't know why I'm waiting around for you. You haven't talked to me AT ALL! What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? I don't understand you anymore; at this point I don't even know if you ever did care for me.

Why are you doing this?

Can't you see that I'm having a hard enough time as it is?

Do you want to see me broken?

What?!

I don't get you, I don't get me, I don't get anything else either.

I wish you would contact me, and explain what's going on inside that head of yours...

Because you're scaring me.

God dammit.

I make myself sick, you know that?

I disgust myself. This cowardice... Why?

Why am I so concerned about what you think?

Half of you has let me go, that much is painfully clear...

But I'm too afraid to ask why.

And the other half?

I have no idea... And I'm still too afraid to ask.

I didn't want this, and I hope to God that you didn't either.

I hope you don't think that this is some kind of game or joke, 'cause you don't know the half of it.

You don't know how hard I'm fighting to stay alive right now.

It would be so easy to end it now, it really would.

But I don't want to go that way.

I promised that I wouldn't kill myself.

I refuse to break that promise.

But you're not making it any easier on me.

We're supposed to be a team.

We're supposed to support each other.

So why am I always alone?

Tomorrow...

...is the day everything changes. I'm waiting until then to make my decision. I can't believe I'm hoping. I should know better by now. I'm setting myself up for a perfect heartbreak.

Bloody hell.

This is going to hurt so much, isn't it?

But I need this. I need to know.

No matter how bad the truth is, I need to see it.

So tomorrow...

Will tell you how it goes.

I am not optimistic...

But a part of me is somehow hoping.

I will never understand the human heart.

For What They Are

I'm finally starting to see things in the proper light. For what they really are. I'm not taking anything for granted, but I'm not placing to much hope in anything either. Look at all the pain we've brought each other... Well, I'm not sure if I brought you pain or not... I think I did, why else would you treat me this way?

Anyway. I can't blame all of this on you any more. This was my fault, and for once, I'm not afraid to admit it and face the consequences. I only wish I'd been able to fix things before we fell apart. I've never felt this way before. Usually, I'm quick to rebound. But now, I've got you on the brain, and it hurts to think that my own psychotic issues tore us apart the way they did. I should have had more control. And so I'm sorry.

But there is a bright side, as there is to everything in life. Perhaps not so bright as a second chance would be, but I know better than to get my hopes up.

The bright side is this: The time we shared was limited. There are few memories, and though they are deep and seemingly important, they will fade. There are no photographs, no written memoirs with your name on them. Not even a hint of you in a most intimate notebook.

One day, I will look back at these posts and wonder who "You" are. That is the bright side. And though it is a long way off, I can look forward to it. It will mean that I have healed, moved on.

I've let you go.

For now though, You still hold a place in my heart. Unfortunately for me, you are something that will take a while to get over.

"I have never forgotten your smile, your eyes, oh shamandalie"

~Sonata Arctica, "Shamandalie"