What is Christmas?

XD I didn't die!

Yeah. I was friggen tired.... Actually, I'm kinda always like that.

And these two... You never saw them. Got it?

These last two are a testament to my extraordinary holiday spirit. Or lack there of... Take your pick... XD

Flammable Bubbles

So, anyone who reads this blog is going to look at the title, think WTF, and demand explanation. Here it is.

To put it simply, I spent some time today setting bubbles on fire. It was very soothing, actually. (I'm beginning to think I have a problem here... XP)

We filled the bubbles with methane gas, then lit them on fire! It was probably the most fun I've ever had in a science class.

But anyway. Swim meet tomorrow, and I don't even know against who. Sad, isn't it?

A Little Realization...

Well, it's been a while- I'm not going to go into detail of things that have happened, but here's a bulleted list:

• Broke up
• Got sick
• Performed the entire halftime show for the first and only time
• Got sick again

Everything else just stopped mattering.

Anyway. The holiday showoff is coming up!!! (It's in december, I think... That's soon for me.)

I've decided to play a little piece on the piano and sing. I found the sheet music for the song I want today... The only problem?

1. I've never played piano before.

2. I CAN'T READ THIS STUFF!!!

FML.

Stop It!

What the hell?!

Why?! To the nth bloody power.

Stop confusing me like this. Make up your mind!

Are you with me or aren't you?!

Ugh, why do I date the world's most confusing people?

It's like fate suddenly decided that my life wasn't complicated enough and added your bad attitude to the list.

Bah.

I don't know if I care any more.

I'm confronting you tomorrow.

Over a week late.

How pathetic am I?

I've spent two hours straight wondering and thinking about you.

What do you think of that?

When did I get so weak, eh?

Does it matter?

You'd better be ready dear, 'cause I'm not holding back tomorrow.

I hope you're ready for interrogation.

Random Survey

Everybody has a main best friend, who's yours?
My Journal

What are you listening to now?

Shadow Gallery: Christmas Day

What are your plans for tomorrow?
I try not to plan ahead.

In the past week, have you lost a friend?
Probably...

Yelled at someone?
Does my reflection count?

What did you do today?
School, then a swim meet.

Do you like flowers?
Yeah.

Did you enjoy your day yesterday?
No.

Hate is a strong word, who do you hate?
"Him." And no, I don't mean God.

Do you drink a lot of water?
Yes

Who did you last lay in a bed/​couch/​recliner with?
erm... Not answering.

Where did you get your last bruise/scratch from?
Probably that damnable pool...

Have you ever thought you were gonna die?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it was just a few hours ago.

What kind of mood are you in today?
Dunno, it's changing by the minute.

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
...English... I think?

How late did you stay up last night and why?
Probably midnight- sleep didn't want to come to me.

Do you miss anyone?
...yes.

Where did you get the top you're wearing?
Umm... K-Penn gave it to me?

Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you?
Story of my life.

What are you craving right now?
Sleep.

Do you want kids anytime soon?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Are you hiding something from someone close to you?
It's possible.

Is there something you want to tell someone but can't?
Always.

Someone says to you now, "lets go to a party and get trashed!" you say?
"Fuck you, let me sleep."

Will you sleep alone tonight?
Always do.

Any plans for next weekend?
I don't have plans for tomorrow, let alone next weekend.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
Yeah, and it's sitting on the couch.

What woke you up today?
The birds. They're obnoxious.

Anything good happening tomorrow?
Psh, yeah right.

Would you buy $1000 shoes if they were the "perfect" pair for you?
FUCK NO! $1000 dollars for SHOES?! I cringe when I spend more than $20!

Are you more laidback or perfectionist?
Usually laid back, unless I'm having a break down.

Do you find it disgusting when a boy bends over or jumps and the top of his underwear can be seen?
Meh, what the hell am I going to do about it?

When's the last time you deliberately skipped a class?
I don't skip. The punishment I would receive from my mother if she ever found out (and you know she would) is way too much to risk.

Last time you saw snow?
Last March... ish?

Are you excited for next year?
No.

What is worse, physical or emotional pain?
Emotional. Half the time, that's what leads to the physical pain.

Can you play pool?
Not very well.

Would you take someone back if they cheated on you?
Depends on the person.

Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around?
YES!

Are you missing anyone/​​​something?​​​
*sigh* Yeah...


Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
I don't know...

How fast does your mood change?
Depends on the day.

Do you want your tongue pierced?
Nah.

How many children do you want?
I don't.

Are you a jealous person?
I try not to be...

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Aren't we all?

Do you like hugs?
Of course.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends on the situation and person.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
Hell yes.

Are you wasting your time on someone?
Probably.

Would you ever get a tattoo?
Yes.

Do you get along with girls?
Mhm.

Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
No, but I've come damn close.

Have you ever licked someones forehead or cheek?
...yeah.

Any up coming events you're excited about?

No.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
No.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents?
Many.

Have you ever dyed your hair?
lol... it's dyed now...

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?

Yup!

God dammit.

Well, that plan worked wonderfully. (Insert sarcasm here)

Honestly, I don't know why I'm waiting around for you. You haven't talked to me AT ALL! What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? I don't understand you anymore; at this point I don't even know if you ever did care for me.

Why are you doing this?

Can't you see that I'm having a hard enough time as it is?

Do you want to see me broken?

What?!

I don't get you, I don't get me, I don't get anything else either.

I wish you would contact me, and explain what's going on inside that head of yours...

Because you're scaring me.

God dammit.

I make myself sick, you know that?

I disgust myself. This cowardice... Why?

Why am I so concerned about what you think?

Half of you has let me go, that much is painfully clear...

But I'm too afraid to ask why.

And the other half?

I have no idea... And I'm still too afraid to ask.

I didn't want this, and I hope to God that you didn't either.

I hope you don't think that this is some kind of game or joke, 'cause you don't know the half of it.

You don't know how hard I'm fighting to stay alive right now.

It would be so easy to end it now, it really would.

But I don't want to go that way.

I promised that I wouldn't kill myself.

I refuse to break that promise.

But you're not making it any easier on me.

We're supposed to be a team.

We're supposed to support each other.

So why am I always alone?

Tomorrow...

...is the day everything changes. I'm waiting until then to make my decision. I can't believe I'm hoping. I should know better by now. I'm setting myself up for a perfect heartbreak.

Bloody hell.

This is going to hurt so much, isn't it?

But I need this. I need to know.

No matter how bad the truth is, I need to see it.

So tomorrow...

Will tell you how it goes.

I am not optimistic...

But a part of me is somehow hoping.

I will never understand the human heart.

For What They Are

I'm finally starting to see things in the proper light. For what they really are. I'm not taking anything for granted, but I'm not placing to much hope in anything either. Look at all the pain we've brought each other... Well, I'm not sure if I brought you pain or not... I think I did, why else would you treat me this way?

Anyway. I can't blame all of this on you any more. This was my fault, and for once, I'm not afraid to admit it and face the consequences. I only wish I'd been able to fix things before we fell apart. I've never felt this way before. Usually, I'm quick to rebound. But now, I've got you on the brain, and it hurts to think that my own psychotic issues tore us apart the way they did. I should have had more control. And so I'm sorry.

But there is a bright side, as there is to everything in life. Perhaps not so bright as a second chance would be, but I know better than to get my hopes up.

The bright side is this: The time we shared was limited. There are few memories, and though they are deep and seemingly important, they will fade. There are no photographs, no written memoirs with your name on them. Not even a hint of you in a most intimate notebook.

One day, I will look back at these posts and wonder who "You" are. That is the bright side. And though it is a long way off, I can look forward to it. It will mean that I have healed, moved on.

I've let you go.

For now though, You still hold a place in my heart. Unfortunately for me, you are something that will take a while to get over.

"I have never forgotten your smile, your eyes, oh shamandalie"

~Sonata Arctica, "Shamandalie"

Okay, I lied.

So. I had a doctor's appointment today. Just a biweekly check on the depression. The same questions every time, like, "are you sleeping well?" "Has the medication affected you?" "Any suicidal thoughts?"

That last one gets me every time.

I of course, answered truthfully... Except that last one.

In all honesty, every other thought is one of suicide, in one form or another. Or death in general.

Would anyone miss me if I died?

Would they be mad at me if I committed suicide?

Not that it would matter, I'd be dead.

So yes, I lied at the check up. Will it affect me?

Who knows?

Who cares?

I don't.

What happens happens.

But enough of that.

Meet at Gaylord tomorrow. Swimming butterfly, lucky me.

Long bus ride up, taking knitting! Yay knitting!

Changes

Well, here we are. No more emoness. I'm getting rid of all of it. It's not good for me, and it's not good for anyone around me. For once, I'm going to welcome the change, and be okay with whatever happens, I hope. I know you'll never read this, the person who a lot of the previous posts were directed at, but I forgive you for everything. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, be it conscious or not. I also know that you may not forgive me. I can learn to live with that, I think.

But I still love you.

Changes, changes... They happen, whether we accept it or not. If you don't change with the tides, you get left behind.

But it's okay. I'm leaving all the bad feelings behind here.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

My God. I hurt. A LOT. Ninety laps in the pool, then band practice for two hours. *tear* Icy Hot has never held a closer place to my heart. Fajitas, then a shower... Yes, I realize I just wrote this bit like a tweet on twitter.

In other news (Now I feel all important), absolutely nothing!

I told you before that my life was boring.

Just for giggles, I put the link up at myspace- just to see if anyone would read it.

Haha.

Yeah, right.

Anywhozzles, that fajita is starting to sound reeeaally good, so Ima gonna go and get one...

*omnomnom*

tasty...

Like Scotch Tape.

Everything's still falling apart. September still seems like an eternity away. Getting through each day is still a hellish struggle that I don't look forward to. I'm still alone. You still haven't called.

But it's fine.

I'm beginning to understand.

Yes, this is hard. But I'm not going to crack.

Not even for you.

Yeah, it hurts, thinking of what you've done to me. But I'll get over it. That wound will heal. Poorly, with many scars, but it will heal. I will heal. You pushed your way into my heart, then tore everything apart and ditched me... You left me to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together with the emotional equivalent of scotch tape.

But it's okay.

I'll get through it, whether you're by my side or not.

Can you see all the flaws? Can you see all the fault lines that I've been hiding from you? Can you see that you're one of them? Do you care?

If you don't, it's alright.

I won't have any hard feelings.

Can you hear all the cries? The ones that are directed at you? Can you hear them, but ignore them anyway?

Even if that's the case, it's fine.

I'll understand.

I'm also like scotch tape. You can see through me, you think I'm weak, but when there's something important... I can stick.

Get it?

Even if you don't, it's fine.

I wouldn't expect you to.

It's fine, everything's fine.

Always fine.

I'll get through it, just you see.

I don't expect an apology.

I probably never will.

You don't apologize when you tear the scotch tape off the wall.

Okay, Allow Me A Few BLUNT Questions...

Okay, I'm sooo sick of all the hints people around me are dropping. If you have something to say to me, say it. Don't pussyfoot around dropping stupid hints so I have to follow you around like a cursed bloody puppy dog. It's not fun. Honestly, don't tell me things, treat me like shit, then call it coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in people being assholes, trying to cover up how much of an insensitive jerk they are. If you say, "Oh, I usually say 'I'll call you back' then never call" about the people you don't want to talk to... I may very well remember. Don't try to cover up the fact that you said, "I'll call you tomorrow" and never did, by saying that I'm an exception.- 'Cause you STILL haven't called.

Honestly, do these people think I'm stupid? Do they think I don't see anything? I'm not daft, I can see what's going on... I can take a fucking hint. And don't try to confuse me by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean it at YOU."

Like hell.

If you don't want me around, say so. I'd rather have you shove me away with blatant words than have you lead me on like some lowly pet. I'm a person. I have feelings, however much I try to cover them up.

So why do these people drop hints? What do they want from me? Do they not realize that I have other things to be puzzling over than what it is THEY want ME to do?

Yeah, I know. I'm cynical. Big deal. If someone had treated me like a person, and not a SERVICE, I might be a little more personable.

Maybe.

Or maybe I like being this way. Sure, it's tough... But I'm a lot stronger than everybody else. I don't care what other people think... It's only a matter of time before I start blowing them off completely. What does it matter? People are replaceable.

The Walls

Well, I've been F***ing everything up lately. In a major way, it seems like the only thing I'm capable of. Everyone's been dropping hints, and I'm not stupid- I get it. I get it. I feel like I'm unravelling, falling apart at the seams, and no one's around to see it. They already left- tired of my warnings, and cries for help. I'm surrounded by assholes. But to see the worst of them, I need only look in the mirror. I can't even explain properly, how much all of this hurts. Not again, I didn't want this again. Why can't I keep the people I care about. Now everyone's fading away. And fast. All these people who claimed they loved me, in one way or another... all lies. Every last one of them. I'm losing it all again, and I don't particularly care at the moment. I know it's getting bad- I cut again two nights ago. Even that didn't help much. Things are falling apart around me, and all I can do is watch, and hope that God leaves me some scrap of salvation when I fall. I have a note- I wouldn't really call it a suicide note, not yet, anyway- on myspace. It's posted as a bulletin. It's in the form of a poem, so I doubt anyone will understand it's true meaning... If anyone bothers reading it.

In other news, the depression is quickly becoming a daily struggle. It's an emotional roller coaster ride that leaves me utterly exhausted. If this is what it takes to be happy, I think I'd rather just not feel anything at all. Granted, the oppressive thought of desolation isn't helping either.

Do I ask for that much? Really? I just want to know someone out there gives a damn about what's going to happen to me... What IS happening to me. Just one phone call, every once in a while... Even an E-mail, letter, note, anything... Would make all the difference in the world.

I don't know why I'm bothering to explain all this here, no one reads this thing but me... But I guess I can save it and bring it in to counseling when I go. If I get that far. September seems like such a long way off... Thinking about it, I really don't want school to start, but then, I guess I kind of do. I won't have to think only of how lonely I am. I'll have things to focus on, and there will be no need for me to talk- I disappear at lunch. All I have to do is build up my walls, and not let them down for anyone. I should've done it two years ago, but I thought I would give humanity another chance. Looking back, I'm disgusted by my own weakness. And so the walls go up again.

This Hot Chocolate is Burning my... Ouch

So, I lied. It's been... longer than I said it would be. Oh well, shoot me, whatever. Moving on.

Today was our first swim meet. Obviously, I didn't drown- I wouldn't be typing this if I had. Which means I did better than I 'd expected. Anywho, Swim season has officially begun. I got a ride back home from a friend, and on the way we stopped for hot chocolate... Which is really, really, reallreallyreally HOT!!! So now my entire mouth is filled with this unpleasant tingly, burning sensation, and I probably won't be able to talk properly tomorrow... Good thing practice was cancelled.... Oh wait, I still have band... wtf... >.<

So, here goes another pointless post that no one will read... 'Cept me, 'cause I write 'em.

Hi There

Well, first ever blog... emphasis on EVER. I'm pretty excited, though I don't think this will be all that popular. But anywhozzles, this is just going to be an online diary of sorts, an ever changing update on what goes on in my life. My very, very boring life. If I can, I will attempt to add up videos when applicable.

(don't get your hopes up, I'm challenged when it comes to this stuff.)

So, I'll start a new one at the end of today, and so on and so forth.

Cheers,

~Neko