Okay, I lied.

So. I had a doctor's appointment today. Just a biweekly check on the depression. The same questions every time, like, "are you sleeping well?" "Has the medication affected you?" "Any suicidal thoughts?"

That last one gets me every time.

I of course, answered truthfully... Except that last one.

In all honesty, every other thought is one of suicide, in one form or another. Or death in general.

Would anyone miss me if I died?

Would they be mad at me if I committed suicide?

Not that it would matter, I'd be dead.

So yes, I lied at the check up. Will it affect me?

Who knows?

Who cares?

I don't.

What happens happens.

But enough of that.

Meet at Gaylord tomorrow. Swimming butterfly, lucky me.

Long bus ride up, taking knitting! Yay knitting!

Changes

Well, here we are. No more emoness. I'm getting rid of all of it. It's not good for me, and it's not good for anyone around me. For once, I'm going to welcome the change, and be okay with whatever happens, I hope. I know you'll never read this, the person who a lot of the previous posts were directed at, but I forgive you for everything. I'm sorry for everything I've put you through, be it conscious or not. I also know that you may not forgive me. I can learn to live with that, I think.

But I still love you.

Changes, changes... They happen, whether we accept it or not. If you don't change with the tides, you get left behind.

But it's okay. I'm leaving all the bad feelings behind here.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

My God. I hurt. A LOT. Ninety laps in the pool, then band practice for two hours. *tear* Icy Hot has never held a closer place to my heart. Fajitas, then a shower... Yes, I realize I just wrote this bit like a tweet on twitter.

In other news (Now I feel all important), absolutely nothing!

I told you before that my life was boring.

Just for giggles, I put the link up at myspace- just to see if anyone would read it.

Haha.

Yeah, right.

Anywhozzles, that fajita is starting to sound reeeaally good, so Ima gonna go and get one...

*omnomnom*

tasty...

Like Scotch Tape.

Everything's still falling apart. September still seems like an eternity away. Getting through each day is still a hellish struggle that I don't look forward to. I'm still alone. You still haven't called.

But it's fine.

I'm beginning to understand.

Yes, this is hard. But I'm not going to crack.

Not even for you.

Yeah, it hurts, thinking of what you've done to me. But I'll get over it. That wound will heal. Poorly, with many scars, but it will heal. I will heal. You pushed your way into my heart, then tore everything apart and ditched me... You left me to pick up the pieces and try to put them back together with the emotional equivalent of scotch tape.

But it's okay.

I'll get through it, whether you're by my side or not.

Can you see all the flaws? Can you see all the fault lines that I've been hiding from you? Can you see that you're one of them? Do you care?

If you don't, it's alright.

I won't have any hard feelings.

Can you hear all the cries? The ones that are directed at you? Can you hear them, but ignore them anyway?

Even if that's the case, it's fine.

I'll understand.

I'm also like scotch tape. You can see through me, you think I'm weak, but when there's something important... I can stick.

Get it?

Even if you don't, it's fine.

I wouldn't expect you to.

It's fine, everything's fine.

Always fine.

I'll get through it, just you see.

I don't expect an apology.

I probably never will.

You don't apologize when you tear the scotch tape off the wall.

Okay, Allow Me A Few BLUNT Questions...

Okay, I'm sooo sick of all the hints people around me are dropping. If you have something to say to me, say it. Don't pussyfoot around dropping stupid hints so I have to follow you around like a cursed bloody puppy dog. It's not fun. Honestly, don't tell me things, treat me like shit, then call it coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in people being assholes, trying to cover up how much of an insensitive jerk they are. If you say, "Oh, I usually say 'I'll call you back' then never call" about the people you don't want to talk to... I may very well remember. Don't try to cover up the fact that you said, "I'll call you tomorrow" and never did, by saying that I'm an exception.- 'Cause you STILL haven't called.

Honestly, do these people think I'm stupid? Do they think I don't see anything? I'm not daft, I can see what's going on... I can take a fucking hint. And don't try to confuse me by saying, "Oh, I didn't mean it at YOU."

Like hell.

If you don't want me around, say so. I'd rather have you shove me away with blatant words than have you lead me on like some lowly pet. I'm a person. I have feelings, however much I try to cover them up.

So why do these people drop hints? What do they want from me? Do they not realize that I have other things to be puzzling over than what it is THEY want ME to do?

Yeah, I know. I'm cynical. Big deal. If someone had treated me like a person, and not a SERVICE, I might be a little more personable.

Maybe.

Or maybe I like being this way. Sure, it's tough... But I'm a lot stronger than everybody else. I don't care what other people think... It's only a matter of time before I start blowing them off completely. What does it matter? People are replaceable.

The Walls

Well, I've been F***ing everything up lately. In a major way, it seems like the only thing I'm capable of. Everyone's been dropping hints, and I'm not stupid- I get it. I get it. I feel like I'm unravelling, falling apart at the seams, and no one's around to see it. They already left- tired of my warnings, and cries for help. I'm surrounded by assholes. But to see the worst of them, I need only look in the mirror. I can't even explain properly, how much all of this hurts. Not again, I didn't want this again. Why can't I keep the people I care about. Now everyone's fading away. And fast. All these people who claimed they loved me, in one way or another... all lies. Every last one of them. I'm losing it all again, and I don't particularly care at the moment. I know it's getting bad- I cut again two nights ago. Even that didn't help much. Things are falling apart around me, and all I can do is watch, and hope that God leaves me some scrap of salvation when I fall. I have a note- I wouldn't really call it a suicide note, not yet, anyway- on myspace. It's posted as a bulletin. It's in the form of a poem, so I doubt anyone will understand it's true meaning... If anyone bothers reading it.

In other news, the depression is quickly becoming a daily struggle. It's an emotional roller coaster ride that leaves me utterly exhausted. If this is what it takes to be happy, I think I'd rather just not feel anything at all. Granted, the oppressive thought of desolation isn't helping either.

Do I ask for that much? Really? I just want to know someone out there gives a damn about what's going to happen to me... What IS happening to me. Just one phone call, every once in a while... Even an E-mail, letter, note, anything... Would make all the difference in the world.

I don't know why I'm bothering to explain all this here, no one reads this thing but me... But I guess I can save it and bring it in to counseling when I go. If I get that far. September seems like such a long way off... Thinking about it, I really don't want school to start, but then, I guess I kind of do. I won't have to think only of how lonely I am. I'll have things to focus on, and there will be no need for me to talk- I disappear at lunch. All I have to do is build up my walls, and not let them down for anyone. I should've done it two years ago, but I thought I would give humanity another chance. Looking back, I'm disgusted by my own weakness. And so the walls go up again.

This Hot Chocolate is Burning my... Ouch

So, I lied. It's been... longer than I said it would be. Oh well, shoot me, whatever. Moving on.

Today was our first swim meet. Obviously, I didn't drown- I wouldn't be typing this if I had. Which means I did better than I 'd expected. Anywho, Swim season has officially begun. I got a ride back home from a friend, and on the way we stopped for hot chocolate... Which is really, really, reallreallyreally HOT!!! So now my entire mouth is filled with this unpleasant tingly, burning sensation, and I probably won't be able to talk properly tomorrow... Good thing practice was cancelled.... Oh wait, I still have band... wtf... >.<

So, here goes another pointless post that no one will read... 'Cept me, 'cause I write 'em.

Hi There

Well, first ever blog... emphasis on EVER. I'm pretty excited, though I don't think this will be all that popular. But anywhozzles, this is just going to be an online diary of sorts, an ever changing update on what goes on in my life. My very, very boring life. If I can, I will attempt to add up videos when applicable.

(don't get your hopes up, I'm challenged when it comes to this stuff.)

So, I'll start a new one at the end of today, and so on and so forth.

Cheers,

~Neko