Hope and Somedays...

Unfortunately, that's kinda all I have going for me. I never realized how hard it is to be optimistic. Mostly because I've never needed optimism this badly before. I've never been that big on emotions, never put much stock in the resilience in the wonder that is the human heart... But I will say this: after having my own heart tested to its limits and then some, I think I can begin to understand.

Optimistic people aren't always that way because they want to be- sometimes they have to think that way. They don't have a choice, because Hope is really all they've got going for them.

That's where I'm at right now, and it's not as awful as I thought it would be. Of course I can think of a thousand ways my life could improve, but I can also think of just as many things for the other side of the coin.

I'm also coming to realize why I began to write this blog in the first place. It wasn't really for attention, nor was it to join the mainstream. It was for my own benefit. These are the stories of my life, really, as I felt them in that moment. Whether anyone ever reads them or not is obsolete. I must have known, deep down, that I would one day need something to look back on. Something to remind me of other times than the one I live in now- remind me that though I had struggles, I did manage to overcome. And also to remind me what happiness is.

Lulu, if you ever do read these posts... Thank you.
Even though I know little about you, and what I used to know was false, you were still kinder to me than many who lived much closer. You were a comfort, and a wonderful friend. You reminded me that only by trying to understand another could one finally understand themselves. And also... Thank you for teaching me how to be happy, how to smile and laugh. I don't know where I'd be without you, honestly, so thank you.

Someday, I will be able to read these posts, in all their dismal, frantic glory, and smile to myself. They will be the proof that I made it.

Someday, I might even be able to help another like myself who writes words similar to my own.
I may finally understand why I felt the way I did- why I feel the way I do now...

Someday. But until then, I'll keep hoping. Things will get better, but not over night. And of course, It won't be easy... It will take time and hard work... And hope. Hope is always good, especially if it's all you've got. So I'll cling to my Hope and my Somedays, and become one of the fools that I once scorned. After all- the real fool is the one who can't believe in hope. That's when you've got nothing left. Because no Hope is false, and Someday, however far away it seems, will always come, if you take the initiative to walk towards it yourself.

That's a philosophy I can live with. Hope and Somedays.