The Walls

Well, I've been F***ing everything up lately. In a major way, it seems like the only thing I'm capable of. Everyone's been dropping hints, and I'm not stupid- I get it. I get it. I feel like I'm unravelling, falling apart at the seams, and no one's around to see it. They already left- tired of my warnings, and cries for help. I'm surrounded by assholes. But to see the worst of them, I need only look in the mirror. I can't even explain properly, how much all of this hurts. Not again, I didn't want this again. Why can't I keep the people I care about. Now everyone's fading away. And fast. All these people who claimed they loved me, in one way or another... all lies. Every last one of them. I'm losing it all again, and I don't particularly care at the moment. I know it's getting bad- I cut again two nights ago. Even that didn't help much. Things are falling apart around me, and all I can do is watch, and hope that God leaves me some scrap of salvation when I fall. I have a note- I wouldn't really call it a suicide note, not yet, anyway- on myspace. It's posted as a bulletin. It's in the form of a poem, so I doubt anyone will understand it's true meaning... If anyone bothers reading it.

In other news, the depression is quickly becoming a daily struggle. It's an emotional roller coaster ride that leaves me utterly exhausted. If this is what it takes to be happy, I think I'd rather just not feel anything at all. Granted, the oppressive thought of desolation isn't helping either.

Do I ask for that much? Really? I just want to know someone out there gives a damn about what's going to happen to me... What IS happening to me. Just one phone call, every once in a while... Even an E-mail, letter, note, anything... Would make all the difference in the world.

I don't know why I'm bothering to explain all this here, no one reads this thing but me... But I guess I can save it and bring it in to counseling when I go. If I get that far. September seems like such a long way off... Thinking about it, I really don't want school to start, but then, I guess I kind of do. I won't have to think only of how lonely I am. I'll have things to focus on, and there will be no need for me to talk- I disappear at lunch. All I have to do is build up my walls, and not let them down for anyone. I should've done it two years ago, but I thought I would give humanity another chance. Looking back, I'm disgusted by my own weakness. And so the walls go up again.